im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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