if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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