smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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