Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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