Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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