She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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