i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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