Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
should my penis look like a turkey
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
