I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
