There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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