I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
