Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
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He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize