Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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