I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Girls should come with a carfax report
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
