I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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