Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
