Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.