shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
They are going to name an STD after you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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