I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I love having hate sex.
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We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
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THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.