I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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