they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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