I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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