Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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