6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You were trust falling into bushes
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
