his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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