did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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