The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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