Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Found your dick twin last night
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
