so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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