"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have surprise drugs for everyone
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
