U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
