You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
do herpes really smell.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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