took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
