I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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