Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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