I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found puke in my bra..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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