M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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