At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
