How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
