if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
