my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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