I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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