i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
