1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
