When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
