Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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