i would punch a child for taco bell
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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