I think I won the penis lottery.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
