I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
