Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
