he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
