I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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