How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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