p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
