eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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