just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
