don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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