I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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